No Port in a Storm

April 25, 2009 at 12:56 am (By Amba)

Jeez.  You can’t even take your frustration out on things any more.  Even they defend themselves.  Is nothing inanimate??

Exasperated at having to stop proofreading and change the bed (really, in the grand scheme of things, which is more important?  Answer:  neither!), I yanked the crank on the bed with heedless violence.  The crank flew off and whacked me above the right ear, just where you’d tap someone with a sap to knock them out.  I didn’t pass out, or see double or anything, but I had an instant bump there, and a mild headache for a couple hours.  (No, I have not so far succeeded in doing an auto-Natasha Richardson, though I seem to be trying.)

Smash a plate (very satisfying, by the way!) and you’re sure to step on a shard of it and cut your foot.  Punch a wall, break your hand.  Slapstick movies are full of this wisdom, and express it far better than fatuous New Age types who would say something like, “The universe is a mirror.”  Or, “What you give is what you get.”

Actually, you can abuse people more easily than things.  People give, they yield like reeds because they need.  Things don’t give a f*ck.  They are resistant and rebellious and absolutely honest.  They reflect your treatment of them, your attitude toward them, faithfully and without delay.  They will repay clumsy, sullen, savage, or indifferent handling with a poke in the eye right here, right now, not years later in divorce court.


  1. Ron said,

    yeah…but so far, my things are my bee-oches!

  2. amba12 said,


    It’s because you know how to handle them, Ron. Iron hand in velvet glove. They’ll whine and lick your hand.

  3. RW Rogers said,

    I refuse to comment on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.

  4. Ron said,

    Every morning that little bowl by the coffee pot? I could be mean to it, but no, everyday it’s “c’mon…give daddy some sugar!” and sure enough, it puts out!

  5. amba12 said,

    You’re way better than Disney at animation!

  6. amba12 said,

    Probably because yours can be R-rated!

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