MegaBank
I got a phone call from MegaBank the other day — they were taking a survey of customers who had recently closed their accounts. The purpose was to find out the reasons, and to see if they could entice these customers to come back. I wouldn’t usually take a telephone survey, but I had a horrible experience with MegaBank, after being a loyal customer for 10 years, and I thought this might be my chance to curse them out.
The survey guy (I’ll call him “S”) said the survey would only take 10 minutes to complete, and would be recorded and listened to by the MegaBank management.
S: Ok, we’ll get started. The first question is about age. What age category are you in — are you under 18?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 18 and 20?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 20 and 25?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 25 and 30?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 30 and 35?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 35 and 40?
Me: Whoa! Hold on a minute. Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask me what my age is, and then put it in the right category?
S: MegaBank says we have to ask it this way.
Me: This survey is a perfect example of why I hate MegaBank and why I left.
S: I am so sorry you feel that way. Shall we continue?
Me: On with the torture. When do I get a chance to tell them why I hate them?
S: Just let me get through this question, please. Is your age between 40 and 45?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 45 and 50?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 50 and 55?
Me: No.
S: Are you between 55 and 60?
Me: Bingo! You must be psychic!
S: Next question. This one is about education. Did you complete kindergarten?
Me: Yes.
S: First grade?
Me: Yes.
S: Second grade?
Me: Yes.
And so it went on, and on, and on. It took 20 minutes instead of 10 because I spent so much time cursing and swearing and explaining how much I deeply despise MegaBank.
It turned out that the motivation for the survey was to find out if disgruntled customers would come back to MegaBank for a bonus of $200 and some free gifts. A feeble attempt to get back some of the customers who have run screaming out their doors.
But who needs customers anyway, when you have the American taxpayers to pay your mega bonuses?
Ambiance 